The Discovery of I

I often wonder about the choices I have made that have brought me to this very moment of means that I exist within. Beyond the picture of me sitting here in the living room, finally finding the time to write a meaningful blog post after watching another disgustingly engrossing episode of The Slap. What did I do to be in where I am today, and more curiously important, why did I do the things I did?

I wonder if there was a part of me in the past that knew what my choices would bring me to in the future. Did I know that I would be wanting to work in the film distribution industry? Did I know that I would be going back to university again? Did I secretly know that someday I would go back to university, and therefore not worry about dropping out of the first degree?

A thought has been lingering with me for quite some time, and it questions just this. I was in Melbourne for the Korean Film Festival - working - on my own time and expenses. I wanted to be there for the festival. I spoke to an old friend who I worked with previously, and he was surprised to hear that I was there in Melbourne - working - let alone for the same film festival I volunteered at last year. "But why?" he asked me. He sounded surprised, and I was surprised he would ask. 

"Because I want to." I want to be here, and this festival is something I believe in. This is something I want to do. Why else would I be here?

"You should be doing what you want to do," he said. I assumed he meant "Why are you pursuing someone's else's dream?" This raised the issue of working with your partner, but that is for another blog entry. I was struck with this 'dilemma' upon hearing him say this. Did he think that I was doing this because my partner was too?

NO. I won't beat around the bush with my answer. 

I'm not here because my partner works here, I'm here because I want to be here. I'm here because I want to earn the 'Thank you' you so willingly praise me with day by day. I'm here because I believe in this work. I'm here because I work hard, and do a bloody good job at what I do. 

I've been asking myself this question over the last few days, and have wondered much about this. I don't want to be treated like someone's someone. I want to be treated like I am myself. I am my own person. But is my own person someone who has been shaped by another? Is this what everybody else thinks and sees in me and the things that I do?

Just a thought. I think part of the perks of being 22 is you are a malleable idea - still. You are free to work towards the person you want to be, and if you've made a wrong turn, well, there is still time to get yourself back onto the right track. The ideas that have shaped me, whether they are from studies or from being with someone for so long - I guess the point is to take them and make something of your own from it. I guess that's the right idea.